I hope mine doesn't look like that
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
