party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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