I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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