this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
