I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
We are two peas in an std pod
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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