is your mom at the bar?
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
