Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize