My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize