I'm lost and stupid without you.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I party with great urgency now.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
