my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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