Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
