Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
