Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
