I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
