Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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