Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
