Duck Duck Cougar?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
