i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
