I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
