Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
