I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
