I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
