Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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