He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
