When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
