My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
