Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
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