why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
