I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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