GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
