woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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