Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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