Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
