There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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