Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
