You don't have asthma, your pregnant
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
