They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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