ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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