Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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