Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
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