literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
