my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
