i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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