ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize