How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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