he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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