I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
