You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
