My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
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