fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
