Sponge bath it is.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
