How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize