When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
