my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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