if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
