Swine flu is the new snow day.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
