Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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